Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
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The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
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I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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