This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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