I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
