dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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