Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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