does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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