my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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