This is not my ceiling
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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