So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
What a fucking waste of an outfit
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
