I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
