Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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