He told me they were just razor bumps!
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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