Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
