The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
