Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
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I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
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I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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