god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
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She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
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That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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