Define "chronic" masturbator.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
it glows. i had to have it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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