no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
