It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
