You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
