those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
