I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
