Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
