every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
