dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
