Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
