I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
