i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
