The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
