Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
