i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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