oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
