i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
