She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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