I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
