Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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