I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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