I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
