How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
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While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
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What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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