i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Text me some of your sweat
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