I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
