I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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