I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
