i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
