when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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