He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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