my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
