on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
