the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
