i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
