So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
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Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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