do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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