Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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