So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
