I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
